I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
her facebook's as public as her vagina
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
