On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
