New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
