false alarm. still invincible.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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