she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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