I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
