normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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