i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
