Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well I just put wine in my tea
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
we're so committed to being not committed
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
