She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
