yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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