I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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