someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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