Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
