You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
