so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
