she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
