i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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