Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
