Yo dont text me then not text me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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