if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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