so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize