A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize