he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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