I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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