Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I supernannyed him into submission
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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