This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Randomize