is your mom at the bar?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
