So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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