Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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