I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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