I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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