He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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