So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The Olympian is in my bed
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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