If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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