I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
