sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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