I love black thongs
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
