I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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