Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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