I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
