i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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