A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
