So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
