she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
