Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize