funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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