I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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