On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
