She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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