Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
