we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
