Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
