Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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