I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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