Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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