My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
