Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
