Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
