So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
