guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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