I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
