you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize