I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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